scary

I am in my bed, lying down with the laptop in my lap writing this at 1.00am on a Friday morning. I am sleepy. I just do not want to sleep. For the past few weeks, I have been falling asleep with a book in hand. Now after finishing the last book of the week, I am too scared to fall asleep just like that. I will start thinking.

Thinking is not always good. Sometimes, most of the times, I think too much. I will think of what I will do in a month, a year, 3 years time. Thinking of what will happen and what will not. What should happen. What I want to happen. What I do not want to happen. What I wish will happen. What will never happen in my wildest dreams. After saying that, nothing is impossible with God. From somewhere in the Bible. Not the correct phrase though. Thinking about the next day. What to do. What I am suppose to do. What I will most likely not do. What I have to do but will not do. Too much thinking.

Therefore, I write. Or to be more accurate, type. While listening to the radio. I have heard songs played twice during the almost three hours that I have been listening. Why am I scared?

Well, first I have to say what I am thinking. I think about tomorrow. I want to go shop for pjs. But I have an exam and a test in 10 days time. Because I screwed up my last test, I have to do well in this exam. But I have not started studying. However, knowing me, I am just too lazy. I planned to do all of my assignments that were due right after the semester break this week so that I can concentrate on studying next week and have a real break during the semester break instead of sweating over assignments.

Obviously, that did not work out. I managed to read a bit on Monday night. Tried to do my law assignment on Tuesday. End up being stuck. Did not know what to do. Could not ask people because they would be studying not doing assignments. So law assignment was put on hold. Also behind my brain, it has been telling me subconsciously that I still have time. Wednesday only started on statistics assignment in the afternoon. Went through the whole thing but did not know quite a lot. However, I had to look back at the notes which means it could count towards studying right? Only got up from bed at 1.39pm after spending most of the morning, I woke up at 10.30am, reading Sybil. Cooked and ate, went back to reading, post two letters. Could not go online so finally started on statistics project at 4 something. During the whole week, I obviously watched television from 5.30 - 7.00pm and continuing till latest 10.30pm sometimes.

After doing lots of thinking after finishing the book tonight, I realize that I did not achieve much the whole week. Tomorrow is already Friday. I want to go buy pjs. Warehouse having 50% sale. However, I feel 'bad' for not doing any work. I reason with myself, what I could do in 7 hours as I have to go for ICF. Early too because I have to dump a whole pile of books in the locker. To therapy myself, I am going out. Cannot stand being coop up in the room whole day although outside is cold.

I have been trying to keep out the thought. That I am wasting my time. Which makes me scared. That I will fail. Waste money. I cannot afford to fail. But I am no good at exams. I hate studying. Scared that I would not have enough time. To study. To learn all over again.

Scared.
Going to sleep.