A decade

It has been 10 years. 10. Ten. Sepuluh. Chap. Sei. Shi. Pretty sure all these pinyin are wrong.

It has been ten years since father died. At the beginning, memories just flood in whenever I go into hospitals or watch hospital related shows. Now, I just block it. In that ten years, boy did I wish I could ask daddy for advice. Wondering if he would approve of the choices I've made. Wondering if he would ask me to choose differently.

Watching friends and brother getting married, wondering if I ever will (not too much wondering) and missing the daddy component of walking me down the aisle. I think when I first realised that, that hit me the hardest.

I had all sorts of plans for this ten years post. Obviously, things never go as plan.

Lots of things have had happened in the past ten years. Beginning with the most recent life changing thing, brother got married and moved to Singapore. There's also a dog in the house now. En is no longer in the house. Mother looks after babies and children now. My room is no longer my room. I've bought a house in Christchurch. Our PJ house has also gone through some changes. So did the town I used to live in.

I've discovered I'm definitely not an immaculate housekeeper like mother. Don't think brother will live up to that standard too. Haha. I really do enjoy working with the children and at the church. I do realise that I've been filling my time up with every single thing that I just need the time to rest now.

Father's Day

Happy father's day, father.

New Zealand is weird in the sense that they don't celebrate father's day on the same day as most of the world. Its supposedly spring now though. The weather have been real sunny lately. Made the most use of my sunnies this past week.

Work life have been busy in August. Social life kinda busy too.

I discovered the wonder of listening to radios online. Now I can listen to Malaysia's Mix FM online. MIss the accents! And the choices of songs. The radio in Chch is yuck when its night time.

I'm going to Aussie soon! 17 more days. :) And my awesome brother is giving me stuff for his 21st birthday. Heh. Yea, I know. The sentence sounds wrong but it is what it is.

I need to get ready for work soon. Just started being nervous this morning. Didn't hit me that I was going to play the piano for the children's choir for their Father's Day performance until yesterday. It could be a tribute to my father. I guess its cause I don't really understand the song since its not in a dialect I'm familiar with.

Btw, I saw an article headline about ending a sentence with propositions. Apparently, its okay now. Apparently la.

See you daddy.

Popo

My paternal grandmother passed away on Wednesday 11th July 2012. Midnight ish. Brother called me on Thursday to let me know. It was the same day that Joey & gang arrived in Chch.

God is so interesting. I am not sure but I think this was what happened. My eyes have been twitching really really badly the past week especially during oscar week which was the week before. And on Thursday morning, I was just thinking about father and tears came out. This was in the middle of the night. Which could be around the time popo died.

I am kind of sad and happy about it. Sad cause I won't see her anymore plus that means I have no "alive" grandparents. Which blows. Happy because she is in heaven with God and I will get to see her at the end of my life.

See you in heaven, popo! =)

All Blacks! :)

Have you ever felt that something is missing especially when you're in the midst of a large crowd of friends and acquaintances? I was at the house of an acquaintance watching the semi final of the rugby world cup and all of a sudden I started missing my family.

I thought of how it would be so cool to be watching sports with my father and getting into the game with my brother. My mother could be either cheering or feigning indifference. I think its because I'm going back soon that I'm thinking about all these things.

3 more weeks :) Can't wait!

Things have been going quite well for me. I have almost reached 6 months of working. Will reached it end of this month. Can't believe how time flies! Just finished another week of school holiday programme. Another one more week to go. This time with fewer children. And I think I'm getting sick cause of the lack of sleep and water last week. But everybody else says its hay fever. Not everybody else. Only 2 people. I really really pray its not.

i'm going home! i'm going home! for three weeks! Second weekend will be spent in Pangkor Laut. Third weekend will be flying back here already.

Excitedness!

Also, I got an Amazon KIndle. Loving it!

:)

A Family Tradition By Soo-Inn Tan

I first got the idea from Grace Goh. She encouraged us to take our children out for a good celebratory meal just before they sit for a major exam. She said that when we do this, we send a very clear signal to them that they are loved for who they are and not for how they perform.

To understand why this suggestion is so counter cultural, you need to understand that diaspora Chinese parents usually encourage their children to excel academically by promising them all sorts of rewards. Diaspora Chinese see academic excellence as the main way for their children to survive and to thrive in the countries they had adopted. And so all sorts of carrots and sticks were used to push their children to work hard in school.

The intentions may have been good but often the child ends up feeling that dad and mum are pleased with them only when they excel in school, only when they perform. The unfortunate message received is that I have to earn dad and mums' love by my performance. The lesson we learn is that love is conditional. It has to be earned. I must be good enough to receive love. You can see at once how this is at odds with a key biblical truth --- the fact that God's love is freely given. As Paul reminds us in Ephesians 2:8-10:

[God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (NLT)]

This pattern of blessing freely given is seen right from the beginning of creation. Humankind's first full day of existence was spent, not in caring for creation, but in enjoying God's blessings on the first Sabbath day (Genesis 1:26 - 2:3). Humankind was created to enjoy God's unconditional love.

This is also seen in the fact that God the Father reminds Jesus that He is dearly loved, not as a reward for His ministry and His dying on the cross, but at His baptism, before Jesus embarked on His public ministry.

[One day Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee, and John baptized him in the Jordan River. As Jesus came up out of the water, he saw the heavens splitting apart and the Holy Spirit descending on him like a dove. And a voice from heaven said, "You are my dearly loved Son, and you bring me great joy." (Mark 1:9-11 NLT)]

The bible is also clear that if we have truly tasted the goodness of God we would give ourselves to loving and serving Him. We are saved by grace but we are also saved "so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago (NLT)." And James tells us bluntly that faith that doesn't issue forth in good deeds is not true faith.

[So you see, faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless. (James 2:17 NLT)]

We need to be on the watch out for the twin errors of conditional love and cheap grace.

I do want my children to work hard for their exams. But not because it is a way to earn the love of God or the love of their parents. I want my children to work hard because I want them to be good stewards of their lives and their potentialities (Matthew 25:14 - 30). I like to believe that if they are secure in their parents' love, my children will know something of the love of their heavenly Father. And secure in that love, they can be free to be their creative best.

Above all I want my children to know that I love them for who they are. In pale imitation of how my Heavenly father delights in me, I want my children to know that I delight in them. And so I take my children out for a good meal before their exams begin, and not after their exams as a reward for good results. I want them to know that their exam results, whatever that may be, will not change the fact that I love them.

And so we took Andrew out for dinner a few nights ago. He is in the midst of his O-levels. At dinner we talked about some things he could do in his pre-university studies next year. He said he was looking forward to it. He also said that he intends to continue the family tradition. In future, if he has children, he will also take them out for a celebratory meal before every major exam. Way to go, son, way to go.

To sign up for this weekly e-reflection, go to the Grace@Work website, www.graceatwork.org

Apartments, Flats and what-nots

I finally understand why my mum would prefer living in a house instead of an apartment or a flat. Before this, I would be "Thats just old people talk" but now I understand why living in a house is such a blissful thing compared to living in an apartment/flat no matter how flash it is.

She's starting very early to be interested in peace

My friend was just commenting on herself reading all day long and how boring she might seem to you or me. I totally disagree! Reading so much does not make u boring, like how drinking so much does not make you an alcoholic (somebody says). However, I don't mind that people think I'm boring. I am who I am and I like it. Most of the time.

I had a chance to talk to mum today. Which put me in a happy mood but sad at the end of the conversation as she goes on about my weight. I've been passing all of my assessments so far. I really do pray that I'll at least passed all of my four courses.

My brother is getting baptised on Oct 5 =)

Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

I bought this card for you last year but was too late to post it in time for Father's Day.
I thought I would be able to send it to you this year.

Unfortunately, certain circumstances prevents it.

I hope that you would still be able to receive it virtually though.

Happy Father's Day!

Summer

At first I thought I should do a new "About Me" page but after writing this, I just want it to be another post.

I had an unexpected summer. I worked at Alliance Bank for about a month until the day before my birthday for which an unexpected circumstances happened.

You see, my father was scheduled to undergo surgery - angioplasty if I'm not mistaken. That was on a Tuesday morning. Everything went all right in the surgery except for the fact that his heart stopped once. He was meant to be back the next morning.

I was at home that night after vomiting and diarrhoea-ing at work instead of going out with Yan Ling as planned. My dad called that night telling my mum he's experiencing heart pain and asked her to go to the hospital quickly. My brother and I followed my mum to the hospital not knowing what lay ahead of us.

When we reached the hospital it was around 7.30pm. Just as we reached the elevators, code blue was announced and my mum suspected it was because of my dad. Soon, we realised it was true. We were standing around, waiting for an hour before they told us the news.

"To lose one parent is a tragedy, To lose both parents is just plain carelessness"

- Oscar Wilde in the Importance Of Being Earnest

The funeral was set for Thursday. It was a good service except for one part where I think my family was embarassed about. Even a friend from NZ came. And a friend from school and college. Many people came to pay their respects. I was very proud of my dad and what he did with 48 years of his life.

I came back to NZ to finish my studies which will take an extra year. I've learnt alot this year. About deaths. Friendships. BGR. Church. Faith. Christianity.

My brother finishes his last year of high school this year. After that, he will be going for Residential Bible School and National Service. My mum is still busy babysitting my niece and keeping herself occupied while learning new stuff like going online.

This whole post just sounds surreal.

Happy Birthday, Daddy

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

We never really did celebrate your birthday as you always said you don't want any celebrations. But you were quite funny about it one time when we didn't actually bothered to do anything and you complained.

You should be forty-nine years old now. Just one more year to go before you reach your mid-life crisis. It has been a hard time for all of us. Especially for mummy and the two of us. And to top it up, it was the night before my birthday. Not that you could could chose when.

The picture above was taken in year 2006 when we took En out to her sort of birthday dinner. It was after that that you claimed she became closer to you because you showed her what fine dining was. Everybody was scoffing at that idea nevertheless there was some truth there.
That was all two years ago. Time seems to pass by so fast.
That was during my birthday in 2006. My first summer back home. It is the earliest 'family potrait' that I've got. Life in New Zealand has been the same old same old. Trying very hard to keep with my studies and trying not very hard to lose some weight.Do you know that En did actually wore the dress that you bought for her? I know we said she didn't and you were quite upset. Haha. I do hope that now you know she did wear it.

I wonder how much has PJ changed in this six months. Not too much I hope. I do pray that you are all right where ever you are.

Your sincerely,
Your daughter

m a e m

m a e m = e m m a e m m a e m m a

Get it?

This was taken at Castle Hill. See how beautiful God created this world.

Now on to something sad. This Saturday and Sunday I've been thinking about my dad. Exceptionally alot. And everything just seem to remind me of him. Which makes me wanna cry. After all the stress from the two tests this week, I expected to feel happy and relieved that its over at the end of the second test but I felt not exactly sad but not a happy or relieved feeling either. I went to Ancestral after my test with Jas, Mer and Li and felt okay.
I was searching for random pictures to be posted and I saw this and it made me smile. Hope it made your day as well =) Although you might really dislike purple, yellow, green and orange dinosaurs with weird spots. Especially purple.

I went to Nandos on Saturday with Li and Jas and spent the whole afternoon in the city. I guess my brother's MSN nickname also kept me thinking. It says 'miss you dad...' after his name. I really want a good cry. Just to cry the whole night without any worries in the whole world.

Unfortunately, I've got to think about tomorrow as its a school day. Church normally makes me happier and it did. A bit. I think church is the best place to hang out when you're feeling exceptionally down. For me, I just feel a tad bit happier. But after church, I'll deflate again.

I've been listening to the song 'You Give Me Something' by James Morrison over and over again. I just love the tune. Its so cold these days!! I would be freezing if it wasn't for my beautiful comfy duvet.
I really want to re-read this book again. I know its one of Yan Ling's favourite book and after I saw Eloise at The Plaza where it mentioned this book, I really just want to read it.
This is my niece. She has new pjs I think :) She's sleeping on my ex-cuddle buddy (the red thingy) and she looks bigger. I think I made the right choice to go home instead of going to Australia with mum, godma and gang.
I want to end with this song which I heard from one of the Veggie Tales episode. The song is just stuck in my head. I found a YouTube video on the song [Just listen to the song, don't botther watching it]. And the theme song for Veggie Tales. Its really funny. Heh.

God is bigger than the boogeyman
He's bigger than godzilla
Or the monsters on TV
Oh God is bigger than the boogeyman
And He's watching over you and me!

p.s. Its already May. Time has passed by so quickly.

289th Post

While I was watching Boston Legal, I suddenly thought that there would be nobody at home who will understand my 'intelligent' jokes. Which made me sad. And made me laughed. Cause who in the world would think of such thing.

Deaths.

So far, there have been five deaths in my family in just this 12 months period. There was my three uncles (who was married to my mother's sisters), then my dad, and just recently my aunty (my mother's sister).

So far, I only have one 'uncle-in-law' left. The wife of this uncle-in-law passed away of 3rd stage cancer last Saturday. I only found out on Monday afternoon. Technically my brother sent me an offline message on MSN on Sunday night but I only switch on my laptop on Monday afternoon.

The funeral is today (Wednesday). Everybody (okay not everybody) is in Taiping. Quite coincidentally it coincides with the school holidays. My mum and gang are coming back today so I might give her a call. But its always hard to find the time to call. Every time I want to call, I'm either very tired to wait or my mum is not at home.

And I got news that a church friend's mother is in ICU. I feel so numb now that I've gone through so many funerals. Not that I went for the three uncles or my aunt. But I was in Malaysia when two deaths happened.

When my uncle passed away in January, it was interesting. My mum was sort of scolding the person who called so early (at 7am!!) because it was a Saturday. After she finished talking, she started calling her niece in JB who will then inform the people in Singapore. Of course she told me first but by then I already guessed judging by her conversation on the phone. I wasn't eavesdropping! We sleep in the same room and she was disturbing my sleep as well, what can I do?

Then my mum continued calling the people in PJ area. Interesting how news pass around so fast. Imagine if we don't have telephones? What in the world would we do. And all this happen like the week after everybody went back to their own places (eg Taiping & Singapore). So for that period of one month or so, I actually saw more of my Taiping aunt than I would normally would.

My mum kept changing her mind to make pineapple tarts. Her mother-in-law kept calling to say that she "can't" make any biscuits. Some Chinese 'pantang'. So my mum was indecisive during that whole CNY period. At first she didn't want to. But because she wanted to eat for herself, she thought she would make one packet. However, she changed her mind again because she was lazy. It went for one more round before she actually decided not to make it.

I wonder did she make it after I came back to NZ?

some pictures to entertain you..

en + caitlin
isn't that cute? i'm referring to en not you cait! :P

caitlin + emma
i know.. both of us look so cute

en + emma
we both have the same type of pillowcases =)

Dictionary
uncle-in-law - the men who are/were married to my mother's sister
pantang - Chinese belief
CNY - Chinese New Year

...

Mian. I just got news that my sixth aunt's husband passed away early this morning. This means I have only one uncle 'in law'. Meaning only one of my mother's brother-in-law is in this world. Interesting.

Due to the fact that we have to change the owner's name for the internet line, it took awhile for the thing to come back. So here I am. Holidays are all right so far. I think.

I'm watching Sabrina the teenage witch on Hallmark Channel on Astro. Not that I'm promoting or anything. =)

Ta.

just turned twenty and lost a father

Just to tell enlightened you guys.

My father passed away yesterday (Dec 18th) at around 8.30pm (Malaysian time).

He had an angioplasty in the morning and he nearly died when his heart stop but they managed to bring him back. Later in the evening he called home to say he wasn't feeling that good and he wants my mum to go over. When we reached there, they were just calling for 'code blue' which is when a patient has an heart attack. They tried resuscitating him for an hour with no luck.

EDITED:
My father was just 48 years old.

I know I should have blogged earlier. But I was very lazy. And no mood. Now I'm in front of the TV (watching HSM2: I know cheesy) and the laptop is in front of me.

Yes! I'm going out with Sue Zan and Sam tomorrow :) woohoo. Its going to be fun.

I've realise that after 9 months of not driving I'm quite rusty. But I'm getting better. So hopefully tomorrow everything will be all right.
My niece is getting bigger. Ohhhhh btw big newss!! well, sort offff.. she knows how to sing Beautiful Girls by Sean Kingston!! Althought its only the one word suicidal but I'm aiming to teach her the whole song by the time I go back. Muahahahha. What a horrible song to teach to a 3 years old girl.
Mer, Irene and I went kayaking at the Avon river the day before I left NZ. Very fun experience :) Well at least you know I was kayaking with Jas and the gang. Sort of.

Btw, I went for the interview d. They will let me know on Tuesday.

Cheerios
emma

My 'wonderful' dad

I sent an email concerning my flight schedule to both my mother's son and my father to ask them to print it for my mother to stick it on the fridge so that they won't forget to pick me up.

My mother's son sent an email to my father asking him to print it.

My father replied and ask my mother's son to ask me this:

Tom: ask her if she wants a Jaguar or Mercedes to pick her up.

Kind regards,
Chin Hon Thatt

Yup. My father writes this types of email.

Thats all. I realize I haven't written in a while. Busy.

Kind regards,
Emma Chin

p.s. Jas wanted me to sit beside her at dinner today because she hasn't seen me for the whole day and she misses me. I'm touched and Os is jealous.

----------------
Now playing: Kenny G - In A Sentimental Mood
via FoxyTunes

My dad

Daddy Me MummyIt's my birthday :D with my birthday presents.
My mother's son was sleeping so he's not in this picture.

It was my dad's birthday yesterday. Sadly (or not) only my mum was there to celebrate it with him. My brother went for camp. However, for years now my dad says there is no need to celebrate his birthdays. I think this is mostly he can't remember our birthdays.

I had a wonderful conversation with my parents yesterday. Yeah I know I just called them on Friday. But yesterday my dad's birthday mah but call to wish him lo. But he is a guy who is never keen on conversations. I would talk and he would just go 'hm' or 'ya'. That is practically all that he would say. He doesn't know how to converse. And yeah my mum still is confuse between who is who.

I told my mum about my friends talking to their parents everyday or at least once a week. She also could not understand people like that. Oh well. It doesn't really bother me. I just find it interesting.

my dad and his god-daughter

my dad is so proud that he took En to a hotel to eat
he keep mentioning it and claims that that is the reason en is more friendly with him

My dad bought a 25 year old Jaguar and my mum is complaining about it. My mum said he everyday very rajin keep cleaning his car and getting his son to do as welll with the promise that the will inherit the car. He taught En to say Jaguar and according to my mum it comes out as 'Jagar' instead.

En
yellow yellow dirty fellow

nice black & white aye? & yellow

After yesterday's conversation, I really really really do miss home.

insomnia

I just finished talking to my parents after about 45 minutes of tossing around on my bed. Now my eyes wants to close close close..

I seriously still don't understand how can my friends speak to their parents every week? I can't. Because I usually have nothing much to say. I suppose I could tell them about my everyday life, but I usually sent emails every week.

Also, even if I tell my mum about my mundane life - she wouldn't be able to remember everything, so there is little, if not no point. There's even less that I could talk to my dad about. Somehow, this is weird. Because I think at home, I am closer to my parents than my other friends are with their parents. I don't mind talking about sex or condoms with my parents. Its useful information right? Isn't it better to learn it from your parents than friends? They haven't always been that 'honest' with me though. If I could call it that. I actually learn how they met from my cousin because my mother wouldn't want to tell me. I also learn the meaning of the F word from my friends. I did ask my mum about it but she gave me this completely answer that is so not related.

Its because I started being 'open' with them that they can't avoid my questioning actually. Maybe its because that I communicate better by email than by talking. My dad's birthday is tomorrow. He's old. Haha.

I have talked and debated about this 'issue' for a long time now. However, I think I finally got why I only talk to my parents 5-10 times per year. This year more because I needed to know how to cook stuff =) I'm beginning to like risotto. I finally cooked it today with a packet mixture =D My mum doesn't know how to cook this dish. Finally something I know that she doesn't! Muahahah.

Its already 1am. I should should really go back to sleep. I'll sing my ZXYs to put myself to sleep.

Chuah Yu En!

My 2 year old niece
=)

I love this picture the best.

Muaks!

She looks fat in the above photo. Haha.

oh?

Not bad for a 2 year old.

hehehehe

credits given to my mother's son for taking the photos